The Paradox of Helping

As we saw in the last module, other people can be one of the strongest forces shaping our energy and well-being—either boosting it or draining it. You’ve no doubt experienced both: interactions that leave you feeling more energized, and others that leave you feeling depleted. If you asked people why this happens, most would probably say something like: “Well, when there's mutual respect and understanding, it's energizing. And when those are missing—or when I’m giving too much—it’s draining.” And there’s definitely some truth to that. But it’s not the whole story. There’s also a deeper misconception that is doing us all a disservice when we think about how to connect with others. And it’s this: we often misunderstand the value that comes from helping. I know—I can already hear you: “Wait, don’t tell me I have to help more!” But hang on. Hear me out. It’s true—many of us associate helping others with self-sacrifice. Especially if you are someone who has taken on a lot of care roles—at work, at home, or in your community—giving can feel like just one more thing that drains your energy. But here’s the thing: Under the right conditions, helping others can be one of the most energizing, purpose-fueled things you can do. If you think about it, I’m pretty sure you have examples from personal experience that back this up, where you know how good it can feel. And you probably already know that—at least in part. You probably have many moments where you’ve really helped someone—offered advice or support, or just gave someone directions or comforted a child! You know how good that can feel. And it’s not just a feel-good myth. We now have scores of studies—neuroscience, behavioral science, psychology—that back this up. Three super quick examples: Neuroimaging studies show that when people donate to causes like food banks, the brain’s reward centers light up—just like when receiving a personal reward. People report feeling less physical pain when giving blood to help others than when doing it for personal medical tests. And random acts of kindness are now used as clinical interventions to reduce stress and improve mood. So no—this isn’t about helping to look good or be good. It’s about recognizing that, done right, helping others can genuinely feel good—and can be one of the most reliable and restorative sources of energy we have. Our brains are wired to feel good when we make others feel good. But only under the right conditions. You’ve probably also had moments when helping felt heavy. Maybe it was expected of you. Or it felt unclear or thankless. Or you were already running on empty. Think about your own experience—when has helping felt energizing? When has it felt like a chore? Think about it for youself, when helping feels energizing or draining. So I’m not here to say to do more helping, I’m saying do it differently with this in mind, but defintiely take advantage of this. Now, this is important because Burnout is real. And for many women especially, the instinct to care for others has been weighed down by years of expectation, emotional labor, and lack of support. So it’s understandable that some of us have distanced ourselves from the idea of “helping” altogether. But the thing is that in trying to protect our energy, we may be overlooking one of its most renewable sources. When we help in ways that feel chosen, competent, and connected to our values, it doesn’t drain us—it energizes us. And it’s not just about actions—it’s about how we see our goals. This isn’t only about overt acts of generosity. It can also shape the way we think about our own personal goals. So for example, if you have a goal is to lose weight so you’ll look better for your wedding photos, you may find it easier to reframe the same goal to something outward looking, something that indirectly helps others—like having more energy to play with your kids. What it boils down to is that other-focus can sustain us, not just demand from us. And what’s super interesting is that many of our goals—career, health, personal—can be self-focused and other-focused at the same time. We don’t have to choose between them. We can just ask: “Is there a way to connect this to someone else’s well-being, too?” Often, that one shift brings new energy with it. So this week is about being more open to how giving can be an incredible source of energy and how to take advantage of that.