Barriers that Prevent Us From Pursuing Wellbeing

“Which takes me onto this. Okay, so not to go into too much depth on theory, but positive psychology itself, helped with coaching, is about helping people move themselves further up their wellbeing scale. So it’s the whole psychological science that’s about shedding light on all of the factors that we may not know about that support us living lives in which we’re happy, fulfilled, resilient, and in which we can thrive. You know, we’ve got the whole area of psychology that we’re not focusing on today that rightly focuses on identifying mental health conditions, dealing with depression, trauma. Positive psychology focuses generally on a mentally healthy population, but that doesn’t always mean you’re thriving. You may be at a five and feeling okay, or you may be at a zero or one, which doesn’t feel great. So at the lower end of the scale, we could call it languishing—you may be low energy, low motivation, life has lost its color a little bit, low meaning and enjoyment from life. It doesn’t feel good, and it was said that through COVID a lot of people were in this place. And as you can imagine, as you go further up the scale, it gets a bit brighter, more energized, stronger, more optimistic. At the point of nine or ten, we are said to be flourishing. And hopefully at some point in our lives we could say we’ve experienced what it’s like to be thriving and flourishing. That would be when we’re energized yet calm, able to regulate our emotions, we feel strong and resilient regardless of what life’s throwing at us. We are satisfied with what’s going on in life. We may be hopeful and feel like we have meaning and purpose and high enjoyment in life. So we’ve got both: the fulfillment piece— which I always say doesn’t necessarily have a smiley face—but we’ve also got the lighter side of life as well. So today is not about saying you all need to get to a 10. It’s about saying hopefully you take something from today that can move you further up your scale—today, next week, next year—and you’ve always got this to come back to as well. Two barriers I want to touch on, because this is really valuable in itself, are resistance to prioritizing your wellbeing. I think because you’re here, I’m hoping it means for you this is a little bit lower, but it never harms to touch on it, because I find myself falling prey to this as well sometimes. This idea that it’s either/or. ‘Okay, so I’m juggling roles, I’ve got a big job or not, I’ve got lots of responsibilities, I’m supporting people, there’s lots to do. I’ll get to my wellbeing afterwards—you know, when I’ve got time for me-time or practices.’ It’s kind of an outdated approach to our wellbeing— that in some way, let’s just say it, focusing on our own wellbeing is self-indulgent, selfish, self-absorbed. It’s none of those things, and it may help you to think of it this way: In the way that love is not finite—you know, we can have more than one child, more than one friend—neither is our capacity to support others, focus on the things that matter to us, and support ourselves. That perspective shift can be everything for some people. It’s not a competition for resources. But yes, I know what you’re thinking. Sometimes it feels like a competition for time. ‘Where do I put my time? If it’s them or me, I’ll pick them.’ So I’m going to address that one in a minute, okay? Focusing on your wellbeing is not selfish. It’s actually wise. So think about yourself when you’re further up that scale. When you’re satisfied, buoyant, energized, more creative, you’re better able to positively contribute to the things and people that matter most to you in life. Not that this should be the only reason you support yourself—but it’s an extra reason. So focusing on your wellbeing is wise. It’s that idea of putting on your own oxygen mask. And it is possible, and it’s okay to want to learn how to thrive and not just survive. You know, if somebody said to you, ‘I can teach you how to just survive life,’ it’s not really as inspiring as the idea of, you know, learning a bit about how to thrive in life as well. Practical barriers, because I know they crop up…” “Yeah, but I know I’m important, I’ve got over the psychological barrier, but I don’t know what to do and I haven’t got enough time.” Okay. I might not be able to fully dismantle all of these barriers in one session, but reflect on these, and reflect on what comes up for you in the next week as you think about them. So—not enough wellbeing know-how. What should you focus on? I think actually the people in this virtual space today probably have a bit more wellbeing know-how than the average bod on the street. The fact that you’re here tells me that. So you take an interest in health, personal development, wellbeing, but unless you’ve studied it, there’s a lot to learn, and you probably do try and be intentional. You may have some practices that support you. You may do things like yoga, read self-help books. You may eat healthily, but it might feel like a piecemeal approach, and it might feel sometimes like it just doesn’t turn that dial enough. Like, it works when you’re doing it, but it doesn’t have a wider ripple effect. All of those things are brilliant. The practice is really important, but I’m going to share some things with you that may help shift the dial more. And the feeling of not enough time to support yourself—I was saying to Pri before we jumped on here with everybody else—you know, we teach what we need to learn. My whole major project for my master’s was on time anxiety, time satisfaction, how to support our wellbeing by changing our relationship with time. So I am an expert in this, and I still… You know, I’m not perfect. I’m still navigating this myself. The great thing is not everything requires time. So yes, going to yoga, reading a self-help book, preparing a healthier meal, carving out some time to light a candle and have a bath— they’re great. Don’t drop them. But they take time, don’t they? So you may feel like, “Well, what do I do—sit and read with my kid or go and have a bath?” Yeah, of course that feels like a conflict. But there are so many other levers we can work with, like self-compassion, being kind to ourselves in our self-talk. Not to mention the things we do, but even our self-talk can really shift the dial. That, I would say, has been the biggest game-changer for me in the last five years. We can’t change anything about our use of time in a day, but we can draw on our strengths. And when we draw on our strengths, we’re more energized. We get more fulfillment and meaning and zest from our days. So we don’t need more time then. We’re actually kind of… we’re buzzing. How we approach our relationships, setting boundaries, being assertive—there are so many different things we can do. All these levers—which might sound a bit mechanical—but these different ways of working with our wellbeing that may have been in our blind spot may arguably turn the dial more than just the practices that we feel we may not have time to build in. Okay, so touching on the know-how bit and helping you get over the fact that you might not have enough time, I’m going to introduce you to the 12 factors and then do a little exercise on it, okay?”